Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Not yet, not yet...

"Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colours. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving."

~ Terry Pratchett, A Hat Full of Sky

I have called it home. In my heart. I let the sun go in and sometimes watered it too. Soon the warmth spread to the very core of my being. Sip by sip I drew from it, living and loving. Days passed, seasons went by and we hopped from place to place making and leaving many a friend in the way. And now it is time for the trailing spouse to trail back. To uproot my foreigner being and plant it back where it belongs to. The air and soil miles away from here, its real home.

With the first of our things gone on craigslist today, I feel a little shaken. A lot actually, to be honest. Suddenly there is a sense of inexplicable emptiness, even if it was only a music system that we hardly used. How could I help but not get attached? Five years is a long period of time. And I was never, ever good at the art of detachment.
As much thrilled as I am to return to everything my own, I just can't shrug off this strange sadness. So many 'what ifs' loom large as I make up my mind and heart. The most baffling of them is perhaps the fear of failing to fall back in the old and familiar ruts. Ironic, isn't it?! May be because this chunk of life we have lived here will end here. It won't come back again, even if we do. Because by then a lot must have added and subtracted. Because by then it would be a different wheel of life altogether.

But there is still time, or so I would like to think. The leaves are yet to fall and the wretched trees have yet to brave their cold bareness once again. Let spring knock on my door with pearly blossoms galore.
Till then, this maddening greenness is mine.


  1. For so many years I followed The Great Dane around the world, and each time I returned to Canada I'd wonder if I was really coming home. Home, after all, was the very place we were about to leave - home was always were we found ourselves. I wish you some serenity in and around this move.

  2. We are always anxious about changes. I wish you the best !!

  3. I love the quote you chose to pair with your words. Change is always a little crazy, but once you are on the other side you'll love what you see.

  4. Pondside, thank you so very much for the comforting words. True, the word 'home' doesn't quite mean the same once you leave it for too long...

    Sunny, thank you!

    Celine, thank you so much for the much needed wishes. I always get very fidgety when things are about to change.

    Alexandria, thank you for the reassurance. And I'm glad you love the quote!

  5. I hadn't read this. Missed it I guess. Poignantly put. Here's to home and homelessness!!


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